Today my world changed forever. Today for the first time in my life, something happened that was supposed to be impossible. Today, a miracle happened. One that goes against everything doctors have been telling me for ten years.
Today, I saw two lines.
One was faded, but it was there. It was real. I rubbed my eyes and squinted. Two. Lines.
My heart sank. How could this be happening? How is this real? Me, pregnant? How?
What do I do first? Do I call my husband at work to tell him? Do I call my doctor? Do I call my sister? My dad?
Instead, I sat on the floor, the positive pregnancy test in hand, and I stared at it with my other hand on my belly. How did we make this happen? How did we beat the odds? The treatments weren’t working, my one functioning ovary wasn’t releasing eggs. But one managed to grow and find its way through.
I take another test, just to make sure. Positive.
I have to work tonight, so I’ll figure the rest out later. By the time I see my husband, it’ll be almost two full days from the time I found out I was pregnant.
It’s only been three and a half weeks. It’s still so early. I call the specialist and my family doctor to share the news and find out the next steps.
“Shelby, are you sure the test was positive? This isn’t possible. With your conditions… only a miracle would allow you to get pregnant in the first place.”
Well I guess this is what a miracle looks like. He told me it’s up to me whether I want to terminate the pregnancy or see how long I can carry it. “There’s not enough room in your uterus for the baby to grow, and your cervix is too weak to carry it to term. You need to decide whether you and your husband can handle the loss when it happens. It may be tomorrow, it may be weeks or months from now. But the more the baby develops and the longer you carry it, the harder it’s going to be on you both when you miscarry.”
This guy should know by now that I am stubborn and I don’t give up. I am a fighter. I am strong. I am going to celebrate this child every day – recognize every win, no matter how small. Because miracles like this don’t happen every day, and this is likely the only time I will get to experience pregnancy.
So no matter how short or long I am carrying this miracle unicorn, I will celebrate. The weight gain, the morning sickness, the hormone shifts. If I am lucky enough to experience all of it, I will hold onto those feelings and be grateful for each moment.
I decided to wait until my husband and I were both on our days off to share the news. I got home from work the next morning and crawled into bed next to him and didn’t say I word. He got up shortly after and left for work. I laid there wide awake for hours, trying to decide how to tell him. This wasn’t a typical pregnancy – should I pretend it is and do a big reveal? (See below for how I decided to announce it to him).
I told him, and it went as expected. It was emotional and he was in shock. He is scared, confused, but happy. It is a lot to take in, and I don’t know if I have even been able to fully process everything myself. I think it’s easier for me to be excited and positive because I’m the one whose body is changing. I can feel it.
We are both still in disbelief, but we are taking things one day at a time. We went canoeing and camping, celebrated father’s day with both our dads, and decided to keep the news to ourselves for now. I have blood work, an appointment with my family doctor, an ultrasound and a follow-up visit with the specialist in the next month. We will know more after that, but I am not giving up hope.
Messy Mind 