To the most caring and understanding man,
Thank you.
Thank you for being patient with me. For putting up with my moments of hurt, frustration and despair. You deserve a medal. I know the past four years have challenged and tested our limits, our resilience, and our marriage. I know I have not been the easiest woman to love. I know I sometimes obsess over things.
Thank you for sticking with me through hospital and specialist appointments, and for your encouraging words and support through it all. Thank you for never getting annoyed by my constant ovulation testing, the side effects of fertility treatments, or my occasional moments of negativity. I have never met a more optimistic person, and you remind me daily of the strength I often forget I have.
People often say that infertility isn’t one sided, that it’s an “us” issue. But that’s hard to convince myself when I know I’m the broken one. Nothing will take away the guilt I feel that I can’t give you children – that our hopes and dreams of having a family may never happen.
I know you say I am enough, and you’re happy with the life we have now in the home we created that overflows with love. And I am, too. But even though our happiness isn’t contingent on having children, becoming parents is something we have both wanted for so long. So I want you to know it’s okay to be hurting.
It’s ok if you’re frustrated. It’s ok if you’re upset and angry at the world like I am. It’s ok to wish things were different, to wish I was born with my whole reproductive system and wasn’t dealt three other syndromes and setbacks effecting my fertility. It’s ok to be mad that two people who would be amazing parents may never get to raise a child. It’s ok.
I know you want to be strong for me, to make sure I am ok, and to help me cope with the sadness and grief that comes in waves. But all this uncertainty impacts you too. The waiting, the unknowns, not being able to come to appointments with me due to COVID-19 restrictions. All of that must be taking its toll on you. You say you’re fine and you just want me to be happy, but who’s looking out for you?
I want you to know that I see you. Even when I shut down or become short with you. I know you’re trying. I know you’re scared. And I know you would do anything to lighten the heaviness in my heart. Sometimes it probably seems like I am so fixated on my infertility that I forget about you. That I am too focused on researching what foods to eat or avoid, and reading blogs written by women with similar conditions. That all I have time for is working out and making life changes that benefit my health.
But I see you. I see you doing your best to support me. I see you working on yourself and becoming the best version for me. I see you doing everything you possibly can to show me you’re on my side and willing to do whatever it takes.
I know it’s no one’s fault. I know I didn’t ask to be broken, or for something so precious to be taken from us. But this world will break your heart if you carry its weight alone for too long. Although this is a “me” problem, it’s not completely on you to pick up the broken pieces. We are a team – one strong enough to brave any storm that rolls our way.
I am here.
And I see you.
Love always,
Your wife
Messy Mind 